Publicity to President Goodluck Jonathan,
Reuben Abati has become the Nigerian Piers
Morgan,
sounding off on everything and anything
that occurs in Nigeria. From Tiwa Savage's
failed marriage to the state of the polity, no
issue it too little too great to make it into the
stories penned by the former Special Adviser
and journalist.
Read his thoughts on Tiwa's marriage, Workers
Day and everything in between in this piece from
TrentOnline:
“Ol’boy, man don see something oh.”
“Wetin you see?”
“My eyes don see something. My ears don hear,
and my mouth sef, I for talk something join.”
“Talk make I hear”
“No be dis Tiwa Savage and him husband
matter? The husband wey say him wife offend
am, he no gi am food, him wife dey form for
house but him dey open leg for other men, and
na another woman they give am edible catering,
and the man come vex he wan jump inside river
for Lekki-Ikoyi bridge”
“Who the hell are you talking about?”
“Tiwa Savage and her husband”
“And who are those?”
“Tiwa, now. Marvin First Lady. She is one of
Nigeria’s topmost female artistes. And her
husband. They are quarrelling. The husband
tried to commit suicide. She says her husband
prefers to follow other women, take cocaine and
ignore his responsibilities as a man and a
husband. Social media is agog with the news.
Mainstream media is feeding on it too. The man
even tried to jump into the Lagoon.”
“And has he done so?”
“No. He was restrained by Banky W and Peter
Okoye.”
“And who are those? Red Cross Officials?”
“You are in this country and you don’t know
Banky W and Peter Okoye?”
“There is no way anyone can possibly know all
the members of the Red Cross? ”
“They are musicians, not Red Cross, not NEMA”
“Oh, I see”
“Don’t tell me you are one of those dumb ones
who do not know what is going on in this
country?”
“I don’t get it. Am I supposed to worry about
how Tiwa Savage and her husband are savaging
the public space with their dirty linen and
turning their marriage into a subject for beer
parlour gossip?”
“It is a serious matter.”
“Oh really? So, how has their matter affected the
supply of petrol, the price of foodstuff and the
payment of salaries?”
“It is the biggest news of the week.”
“Of course, because the media does not know
what to prioritise anymore”
“There are issues involved. Tiwa Savage’s
husband wanted to commit suicide. The same
week, there was a report about a man who killed
his target of amorous desire and stabbed her
mother in Ilorin because the lady refused to love
or marry him.”
“Love is the most potent poison in the world.
The graveyard is a prison yard of unrequited
love.”
“Tiwa Savage’s husband says…”
“You keep mentioning the wife. That husband
doesn’t have a name? They should have allowed
him to jump into the Lagoon, and have his wife
do a special song at his funeral and go home on
the left arm of another man.”
“They call him em em. actually that is the
problem if you would listen to the wife. She is
the breadwinner, she says and the man likes to
squander money and so on and so forth.”
“Look, I am not interested in that story. I don’t
want a taste of Tiwa Savage’s #Lemonade. I
don’t want any tales about the #Becky-with-the-
Big-Hair that served her husband “edible
catering”. Or do you want the National Assembly
to have a special session on a derailed
marriage, or may be you want President
Muhammadu Buhari to issue a statement on it?
One of these days, Nigerians will start insisting
that the Nigerian President should become a
marriage counselor and he will be blamed for
marital squabbles.”
“We are talking about celebrities. And come to
think of it, in a normal country, Tiwa Savage’s
husband will not have to depend on his wife. He
will have a proper means of income.”
“E ma gba mi ke. Doro Tiwa and husband fight
and Nigeria no go hear word? E joor oh. As you
lay your bed, you lie on it. These things happen
every day. Human beings pay for the choices
that they make. They learn from the outcomes
of their choices. Can we have the media focus
on serious matters beyond sex, infidelity,
cocaine and the poverty of matrimonial matters
in the household of Tiwa and Tee Blliz? Which
kin name be that sef?”
“Tomorrow is May Day for example”
“Nigerian workers should actually carry placards
tomorrow, screaming May Day, May Day, May
Day!!”
“You want them to scream for help?”
“Yes, because the Nigerian worker today is
hungry, angry, sinking, helpless, jobless, over-
used, under-paid and in despair. State
governments are not paying salaries. Companies
are retrenching staff. The latest I read is that
First Bank is planning to sack 1, 000 workers,
Aero Contractors, 100. I know a couple, who
have both just lost their jobs and they have five
children. Some other companies are closing
shop. Massive divestiture in the economy.”
“Incidentally, you know the people who caused
the melt down. “
“Tell me”
“I don’t know.”
“If you don’t know, then you don’t know, before
you say something that will make me give you a
punch in the face. But I think all that President
Buhari needs to dotomorrow is to give the
people hope. In a situation like this, you give
the people hope, you reassure them.”
“You are recommending rhetoric. Speaking for
speaking sake.”
“No. I am saying hope is a strong weapon. When
a leader gives the people hope, he calms down
their blood pressure. It is a strong pill.”
“The Nigeria Labour Congress and the Trade
Union Congress are not asking for hope.
Nigerian workers know what they want. They are
asking for N56, 000 minimum wage.”
“Chai”
“You heard me. N56,000.”
“Chai. Do they live in this country at all? Do they
have economists among them? Does it make
sense to ask for what you know you cannot get?”
“You can ask for what you think you deserve.”
“But in matters like this, you look at the
economy too. What they are asking for is called
wage indexation. That is not sound economics.
Wage indexation is a self-fulfilling prophecy. If
you base your calculations on it, there will never
be an end to it, and it will undermine the
economy.”
“Which economy? An economy where some
people grab N2 billion, and millions of dollars all
in the line of a day’s arrangement, and workers
cannot get the existing N18, 000 minimum
wage?”
“If I were the NLC or TUC leader, I’ll be more
interested in giving the government ideas about
how to pay the current minimum wage and
ensure that the welfare of the people is properly
the concern of government. NLC should be
pragmatic. Get all salary arrears paid to start
with, and get government to pay all emoluments
as at when due. Uncommon sense.”
“Sorry, Labour leaders don’t claim that they are
economists. They just want the best for the
Nigerian worker. That is their mandate.”
“Don’t speak for them. When they meet the
president and the governors tomorrow, let them
say so. I wonder if anybody even reads those
long speeches on Labour Day. Nigerian workers
are looking for unpaid salaries, but their leaders
ride exotic SUVs, and live in mansions. I beg.”
“You are beginning to sound like a government
spokesperson. Come, are you still one of us?”
“I beg”
“By the way, what do you think is likely to
happen in the People’s Democratic Party (PDP),
now that the party leadership says the Chairman
of the party must come from the North East, and
the South West members are threatening to pull
out?”
“Are you sure anybody in the South West is
threatening to pull out?”
“Yes. You don’t read the papers? Na one of your
brothers even talk am”
“Who?”
“The Lion himself”
“A lion in my family?”
“Have you forgotten so soon? Abi as your phone
no ring again, your brain no ring too? You no
know the attack dog, the Lion?”
“Lion. Attack dog.”
“Hen hen now. Him say if they don’t make
somebody from South West the Chairman of the
PDP, the South West wing of the PDP will leave
the party.”
“I’ll advise you not to lose sleep over what
politicians say. What you can be sure of though,
is that before 2019, there is likely to be
interesting re-alignments. Nigerian politics may
not be the same again before and after 2019.”
“Na dem sabi. Make they just give us the
mekunnu, power, good roads, jobs and our
salaries at the end of the month. Me, talking for
meself, I don see say e no matter which party
win election, as long as the economy dey kampe
and man fit chop, pay school fees and get light
to do welle for night. My broda, na the better
thing wey matter pass be dat.”
“What is welle?”
“You no know Welle?”
“No”
“Kai. Lord of Heaven. No be the thing wey dey
cause problem between Tiwa Savage and her
husband be dat?”
“I still don’t get it.”
“You no watch her interview? As the girl they
talk, dey cry, without make up, looking like an
angel, doing her eye like this, her shoulder like
that, e just dey pain me say dem no allow the
husband jump for inside river. If I see Banky W
and Peter Okoye, hen, the kine slap wey I go
give dem.”
“Are you alright? Have you been sniffing
cocaine?”
“C’ommot there. You just carry book for head,
you no know how life be?”
“I am sorry for you.”
“Sorry for yourself.”
“Na you go sorry for yourself. And why your head
dey always shine like this? You no get hair? You
never reach old age, your head don become
desert. Na people like you women dey look for?”
“This is a special haircut, you can see that the
shaving of the hair is completely clean.”
“This is not a haircut. This is called desert
encroachment, or the desertification of the
human skull”
“I did it this way, in the shape of a shining
mirror, in solidarity with the people of the Edo
Kingdom who have just lost their revered
monarch, the Omo N’Oba N’Edo Uku
Akpolokpolo, Erediauwa I”
“Only Benin sons are required to do gorimapa in
honour of the great king that has ascended to
the rafters.”
“There is no law that says other Nigerians
cannot honour a revered monarch who kept the
dignity of the throne and left behind a legacy of
honour, character, royal grace, and dignity.”
“You don spake my broda. Make I add my own;
Oba gha to kpere”
“Ise-ee”
“May his path to the great Beyond be one of
illumination and grace.”
“So let it be.”
“So mote it be.”
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